So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
