Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You are a booty call, not a friend.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
