how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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