I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
