Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
