it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
