The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
