I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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