i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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