Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
