his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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