Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
my liver is dry heaving
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize