What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
