Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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