Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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