my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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