the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
