We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
