Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
