Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
