We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she peed on how many people?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
