Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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