When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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