I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
