I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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