girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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