I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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