btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
