I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
