So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
