I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is Oprah even human
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
