I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
True strength comes from lack of pants
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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