There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
