i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
