i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
