You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
