She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
