you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
ttyl tear gas
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
