You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
