just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
