just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
