In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
