he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
