uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
