babies were throwing up all over the place
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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