Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
