So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
