Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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