You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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