me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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