you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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