dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
