no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
