No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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