I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
