Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
